"Is This Knife Yours?"

Before I get into what I am planning to rant about this morning I will brief you in on a "beard update". I think that at this stage its about as good as it gets for me and sadly that is below terrible. Its still patchy, its very itchy, and it looks quite trashy to be honest. So based on this I have decided that it has a date with Mr. Mach 3 at about 4pm today.
Now on to my main reason for writing this entry... Something I have noticed while working here at the hospital is the passion that has been lost from people in healthcare in general. Many of my fellow employees are short tempered, gossipy, and worst of all back stabbers. Now I know that the term "back stabber" may be harsh and when I say it I don't mean they do this towards other employees but rather the very people they are caring for. I have seen countless times a nurse will walk in a room, act totally caring and loving towards the patient and then two minutes later be in the nurses station talking negative about them. It is really sad to me and I begin to wonder why some nurses chose this profession to begin with. I think that a large majority of the time a passion that was once there is now lost. They forget that they are going to have patients' that will make them work extra hard and that that one cigarette break might have to wait. They forget that its not about them anymore and stopped being about them the day they became a nurse. Don't get me wrong, most of the people I work with are extremely talented and great at what they do. They have just lost the part of them that drove them to this profession in the first place.

"This And That"

Since it has been almost a week and I have not posted anything I figured that I would just get on and type a few lines. Not much is going on these days. Just work, spending time with family, and church. I don't mean to sound womanish in saying this but man am I lonely. I really only have one friend here that I have kept in touch with from high school and he works alot so I barely see him as it is. I have been praying alot lately that God will put people in my life here and that I can get plugged in somewhere at my church (such as a bible study group). I have decided to join a softball league this summer so things should change in this area once practice starts. Well its almost 3am, I'm just chillin here at work and finally have been able to take a breather. I have a really needy group of patients tonight but it does have a payoff in that its keeping me awake. I'll probably be heading down to the prayer chapel in about 20 (I don't think I need to tell you why I am going). Ok I feel like God is telling me to share one truth He has been teaching me lately. Let me start by saying that there are three situations in my life right now that are very distressing to me. It doesn't matter what they are but they have me in an on and off state of worry, fear, and doubt. One of these situations far exceeds the rest. What I have noticed is this: Whenever I take God out of the equation of the situation I start to freak out. I focus on solving the problem on my own strength and leave God in the rearview mirror (John 15:5). The truth is this: I am weak and I have no strength to overcome or solve these things that have me in turmoil. I only have the strength that Christ has been so gracious enough to provide me with. Remember people (if anyone even reads this :-)) God always has a plan and He will always take over a situation and correct it for His glory if you will only put it in His hands and trust Him. I leave you with the lyrics of one of my favorite recent songs. It is a duet with KJ52 and Jeremy Camp:

I cant say that I know just what you're dealing with
But it's so plain that it shows just what your feelings is
But I suppose that your pain that you're living with
It comes and goes and fills your mind now with hopelessness
But I know someone who comes with life to give
And His love is the reason why my life can live
Just one touch is all you're needing 'Cause He died to give you so much but you can't see 'cause you struggle with
So many things up in your life you're frustrated with
Nothing seems to be going right I know you're hating it
But let me tell you see I've been through what you experienced
And I've come to see the source of who my healing is
If it's divorce or anything else making it hard to live
I gotta tell you you can make it just through all of this
'Cause everywhere you go He's there for you it's obvious
Don't be scared no more cause this is why I'm saying this

I remember times when I couldn't find my peace of mind
When I felt I couldn't see now cuz I was blind
All the time You was there and then You freed my eyes
Made me realize that You was all I need in life
From the deepest oceans all the way up to the skies
There is no place were I could go and no place to hide
That your hands wouldnt show the way and be my guide
You're never far away You'll always be my peace in life

So right now just with anything you face in life
Understand you can always find strength in Christ
God has a plan just for every single part of your lives
That might be hard to understand in your troubled times
But anywere you go He's there with arms open wide
He cares for you don't you know there's no need to cry
I know this road is hard c'mon it's gonna be alright
He loves you so much it's time that you realize....

Everywhere I go I know you're not far away
You're right here, you're right here, yeah
Everywhere I go I know you're not far away
You're right here, you're right here, yeah

"Depart From Me Ye Cursed"

I was driving in my car the other day and came to a stop at a red light. I was watching all of the other people go past me in the other lane and started thinking about something that I had never really thought about before. Every person that I saw driving by me God decided to create in His very own image, He has so much love that He wants to give them, He has a plan for them, He sent His only son to die for them so that they would never have to be seperated from Him in eterenity, and He depserately seeks fellowship with them and wants them home safely someday. The sad fact is this: many of those faces I saw will never experience God's love, they will reject Him and the sacrifice Christ made at the cross, they will have a hopeless and useless existence till their last breath and for all eternity as they are seperated from Him because of their own bad decisions. Why is this the likely scenario for so many of them? BECAUSE WE THE BODY REFUSE TO LET OUR LIGHT SHINE!!! We don't want to speak out against sin because we dont want to offend anyone and feel like a hypocrite, we won't witness to anyone except through our actions because it makes us feel "weird" and uncomfortable. I think that many times we forget what is at stake. The very soul of another human being will FOREVER be banished to outer darkness and in eternal torment seperated from a God who loves them as if they were the only one ever created. I've often said to people...what would spending a half hour in hell do to our witness? I can guarantee you we all would be shouting of God's salvation wherever and whenever we were able. I saw a really interesting book at Barnes and Noble called "23 Minutes in Hell" by Bill Weise. Some people have a near death experience and see what heaven is like....this guy got the flipside of the coin and the story is unbelievable. I highly recommend it so that you can see the absolute horror that unbelievers have awaiting them. May God annoint you in your persuit to win souls for Him.
~N
P.S. In case I failed to mention it above please do not assume that I take a "high and mighty" approach to this subject because I do not. I am just as guilty if not more of not letting my light shine as bright as I could or should. I really do want God to increase my love for others and my witness ten fold.....I will pray that He does the same for you.

"Bearding It Up"

So I was in the car today with my dad and he asked me if I was trying to grow a beard as I have not shaved for almost a week. This shaving hiatus is simply due to laziness and nothing more. However, I began to wonder if it could be done and how I would look with one. So I decided today that I am no longer just being lazy but am trying to grow a beard. Thus far it itches, is patchy, and looks like crap...I'll keep you posted.

"Being Used....But Not In The Way You Are Thinking"

I have to say that the hours leading up to work tonight were not very pleasant for me. I wasn't able to get enough sleep as I would have liked (usually sleep till 3 or 4 and awoke today at 1:30), I had to go straight to the house we are remodeling and work there for 2 hours, I was having major hunger pangs as I have started a diet, and just wasn't feeling like the greatest Christian. I prayed before I went to work that God would change my attitude and give me energy. Well I must say that He was defenitely faithful tonight (as He is always). I was driving to work and was listening to some praise and worship and then all of a sudden it just hit me. I just felt God's love and joy flow through me and in the course of literally 10 seconds. And in that 10 seconds my whole mood made a 180. I was happy, looking forward to my night, and wondering how He would use me. I must say that He has put alot of great people in my path to care for tonight. I am working TCU and it is going just great. I feel so blessed that He was able to use me in one situation in particular. There is a women named Beverly who is having an angiogram tomorrow. When I first went in to check her vital signs she expressed the anxiety she was having about her test in the morning. I feel that the Lord really spoke through me and that I was able to comfort her with His guidance. She also did not know much about the test she was having and said that they really didn't give her a whole lot of information about it. I was able to find a really good resource online that had a plethura of information about angiograms. I gave her this information and I think that since she now knows what to expect in the morning she will enter into it with much more peace. I also assured her that I would pray for her which she really appreciated. I must say that I really do enjoy going to the prayer chapel at like 330 or 4 to individually pray for my patients. I can't really explain it but I feel as if God is closer and is really listening. Not that He isn't at other times I pray but it just feels stronger during this time. So yeah, it was good to be used tonight, and it made me remember the fact that You never know how or when God is going to use You for His glory.

"His Joy Is Also My Own"

Lately I have been thinking an awful lot about joy. I rededicated my life to the Lord not too long ago now after a period of unbelief and rebellion. Since I have come back into fellowship with Him I have definetely noticed this simple thing....I am happy for no reason. Its great, I wake up in the morning (or afternoon rather) with a smile on my face, I am more positive and always looking for the brighter side of things, and so on. To the blind eye do I really have any reason to be this happy? The answer is not really. Things really are not going that well in my life right now. People that were the closest to me relationally are now very far away, things that were concrete are now quick sand, I constantly have fear and doubts concerning my future, etc... But still even in all of this I cant help to have joy. Sure I have my fears, concerns, and bad days just like everyone else. However, I am learning to look at these things with a different perspective. And to get through them I am using Christ's strength and not my own. I don't know where I am going to go from here and I feel more in the dark now concerning my future than ever. But I do take my refuge and rest in the fact that the One who sits on the throne in heaven this very moment does have a plan for me and He is constantly reminding me that I am no longer in this alone. Praise God!!
"In my mind's eye, I see your face You smile as You show me grace.
In my mind's eye, You take my hand we walk through foreign lands....the foreign
lands of life"
Romans 15:13

"Yeah But What About Me?"

Working these past couple of nights I have noticed a common occurence among my peers. I have actually noticed it for a while but never really focused on it until tonight. And that is whenever you have a bunch of people in the nurses station having a group conversation everyone is only waiting for their turn to speak. For example, tonight they were talking about soft drinks and which ones they liked and disliked. Every person who spoke took no note and said nothing relevant in relation to what the previous person had just said. Its almost like having a conversation with yourself in a way. Just something that I noticed and thought that I would share. It's 0420 right now and holy crap am I tired. Seven o'clock is so close yet oh so far away. But Praise the Lord that I had a great group of patient's tonight and it was relatively slow.

"I Deserved To Be There, He Didn't"

Who am I? Just a thief nobody cares about
The kind that would run up in your house steal your jewels and couch
Been on the run for so long
But they caught me now
They hung me on this cross I'm on and I see the crowd
But next to me is someone who I've heard about
They say He heals the blind and lame but I got my doubts
So what's His name I can't remember
Someone screamed it out said it was Jesus
But this man he didn't make a sound
He hung there breathing with the blood running down His mouth
He'd been beaten a crown of thorns now was on his brow
See what I've done is just the reason why I'm hanging now
But this man is innocent and I can see it now
I said, "Jesus are you listening do you hear me now
Remember me just on the day You bring Your kingdom down
I want to change my ways I really want Your freedom now,"
He took my sin away and this is why I say it loud
I once was lost but then You found me and loved me
And I'm never gonna look away
No I'm never gonna look away
You paid the cost You showed me how You bought me
And I'm never gonna look away
No I'm never gonna look away (away)
He turned His head and said Today you're gonna be with Me
Cause very soon I'll be dead but I'm a set you free
Cause every drop that I've bled is so what you would see
That it was shed for you to be with Me eternally
The other thief he just laughed at what He said to me
"He said you ain't comin' back
You're nothin' what you claim to be
If you was ?chained? then why are you haning next to me"
See what I think is you're a liar and it's plain to see
But Jesus was silent and soon time began to pass
He cried "It is finished" and went and breathed his last
He died in the sky was rumbling and started turning black
But I knew He'd come again because I knew the facts
My time to die is coming soon and it's coming fast
It's hard to breathe I'm trying to began to gasp
I can't deny what is true cause it's all I have
Now I knew that paradise is where I'm heading at

"Guilty Of Not Fully Utilizing The Power Of Prayer"

The other day I was totally convicted of something that I have failed to do for two years. It was two days before I was to start work (for those who don't know I work as a nurses aid at the hospital). This whole time I have been working and have cared for my patients physically but never spiritually. Sure I pray for one or two every once in a while when they are really bad but never for all of them. Well I have decided that it all changes starting tonight. I have told God that from now on I will go to the chapel once during my shift and pray for each of my patient's thoroughly. I have been foolish in not doing this before now. Here I am working in a place where sickness runs rampant and I don't even take 15-20 minutes out of my shift to pray for the ones who (most of the time) need it the most. Lord forgive me.
~N